Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Doubt

I have been bombarded recently with a flood of different emotions from my sub. She is nearing the middle of her first trimester and her pregnancy hormones have her saying and thinking things I have not heard out of her in years. She doubts her looks, abilities, intelligence, and just about everything else. And of course, she is wrong about all of these things. She has deep-rooted self esteem issues that I have struggled (epically, mind you) to subdue, since long before we began our D/s journey. Consistently I prove to her I am not the same as the others she has known, even her family which has more than occasionally let her down. I try to lead by example and prove to her that she IS worth more than she thinks she is, and that she is far more amazing than she gives herself credit for.

And yet sometimes even I find myself in doubt. Do I doubt her? No. Do I doubt myself? You betcha! (As Sarah Palin would say...ugh -shivers-) I think fear and doubt are natural, and even useful parts of the human psyche. However, it is how these thoughts are used and managed that determines their use. Will I allow these fears to overcome me and change my behavior? No! If I fear anything I try my hardest to use it to prevent itself. Confused? I'll explain. If I am afraid of my sub getting bored in our relationship, I try harder to find activities for us. If I fear that she won't find -me- attractive, I will obsess until I feel I am acceptable. Instead of burying the fear deep inside of me until it becomes a festering insecurity I acknowledge it, face it, and do something to change it. I take action. I am quickly learning that things do not change, in anything, without action. I am responsible for our life. The captain of our metaphorical ship! And even though I may fear steering us into an ice burg, I will try my hardest to learn the right paths through life, and take the necessary actions to stay on those paths.

Alright. Enough philosophical babble for me. I hope to return to smutty posts soon, but the First Trimester is like a deathblow to her health and sex drive. And while I still take what I need, I find that training her sexually would not only be cruel in that state, but unenjoyable for me. Have you ever fucked a half-asleep, gassy, angsty/sad/fearful pregnant woman in the heat of Summer? I am holding out for this fabled "Second Trimester" which is from what I hear, the Land of Milk and Honey. No puns intended!

3 comments:

  1. Just remember the captain makes the final decision but he does so on the advice of his crew. He is not responsible for every idea or even necessarily every decision. The captain is responsible for the out come and everyone being safe though.

    The second trimester has it's joys but it is still hit and miss with a pregnant woman.

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  2. I appreciate the guidence and encouragement! I am slowly learning many things about the life and reading things from, and talking to, other Dom's certainly helps. I hope you don't hold back in the future as well!

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  3. From personal experience, I have to say that it's hard to be a pregnant submissive. At the same time? Being pregnant as a submissive made pregnancy a much better experience. Good luck to you both!

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