Doubt

I have been bombarded recently with a flood of different emotions from my sub. She is nearing the middle of her first trimester and her pregnancy hormones have her saying and thinking things I have not heard out of her in years. She doubts her looks, abilities, intelligence, and just about everything else. And of course, she is wrong about all of these things. She has deep-rooted self esteem issues that I have struggled (epically, mind you) to subdue, since long before we began our D/s journey. Consistently I prove to her I am not the same as the others she has known, even her family which has more than occasionally let her down. I try to lead by example and prove to her that she IS worth more than she thinks she is, and that she is far more amazing than she gives herself credit for.

And yet sometimes even I find myself in doubt. Do I doubt her? No. Do I doubt myself? You betcha! (As Sarah Palin would say...ugh -shivers-) I think fear and doubt are natural, and even useful parts of the human psyche. However, it is how these thoughts are used and managed that determines their use. Will I allow these fears to overcome me and change my behavior? No! If I fear anything I try my hardest to use it to prevent itself. Confused? I'll explain. If I am afraid of my sub getting bored in our relationship, I try harder to find activities for us. If I fear that she won't find -me- attractive, I will obsess until I feel I am acceptable. Instead of burying the fear deep inside of me until it becomes a festering insecurity I acknowledge it, face it, and do something to change it. I take action. I am quickly learning that things do not change, in anything, without action. I am responsible for our life. The captain of our metaphorical ship! And even though I may fear steering us into an ice burg, I will try my hardest to learn the right paths through life, and take the necessary actions to stay on those paths.

Alright. Enough philosophical babble for me. I hope to return to smutty posts soon, but the First Trimester is like a deathblow to her health and sex drive. And while I still take what I need, I find that training her sexually would not only be cruel in that state, but unenjoyable for me. Have you ever fucked a half-asleep, gassy, angsty/sad/fearful pregnant woman in the heat of Summer? I am holding out for this fabled "Second Trimester" which is from what I hear, the Land of Milk and Honey. No puns intended!

The trouble with love

I have been doing a lot of research on different domination tactics and thought processes. And in all of them a consistency is required when enforcing your rules on your sub. Am I the only one who finds this a bit difficult? Now, before you grab the torch and pitch-fork and call me weak hear me out! I am in love with this girl. She was my whole world before we ever picked up a rope and butt-plug. However, now I must be firm with her, tell her no, even hit her should it be required! Sometimes my rules make her unhappy, or uncomfortable. And sometimes the metaphorical angel on my shoulder (who is far more compassionate than I!) makes me feel bad for enforcing it. I look into those big green eyes and fall victim to the pouty face. However, I cannot be too lenient with her either, out of risk of being too soft and not in control enough. I know I must be harder on her, if she is to -truely- change, but I find it difficult at times. I know this will change over time, but at this stage in my own growth and training that is probably the biggest struggle I have: Being too compassionate vs. not being compassionate enough. I am working on adopting the mindset of disciplining her because I love her, and washing away societies brainwash that states we have to be equal, and that I have no right to discipline her.

I'd love to hear some feedback from other Dom's and any of my few lurkers out there!