Doubt

I have been bombarded recently with a flood of different emotions from my sub. She is nearing the middle of her first trimester and her pregnancy hormones have her saying and thinking things I have not heard out of her in years. She doubts her looks, abilities, intelligence, and just about everything else. And of course, she is wrong about all of these things. She has deep-rooted self esteem issues that I have struggled (epically, mind you) to subdue, since long before we began our D/s journey. Consistently I prove to her I am not the same as the others she has known, even her family which has more than occasionally let her down. I try to lead by example and prove to her that she IS worth more than she thinks she is, and that she is far more amazing than she gives herself credit for.

And yet sometimes even I find myself in doubt. Do I doubt her? No. Do I doubt myself? You betcha! (As Sarah Palin would say...ugh -shivers-) I think fear and doubt are natural, and even useful parts of the human psyche. However, it is how these thoughts are used and managed that determines their use. Will I allow these fears to overcome me and change my behavior? No! If I fear anything I try my hardest to use it to prevent itself. Confused? I'll explain. If I am afraid of my sub getting bored in our relationship, I try harder to find activities for us. If I fear that she won't find -me- attractive, I will obsess until I feel I am acceptable. Instead of burying the fear deep inside of me until it becomes a festering insecurity I acknowledge it, face it, and do something to change it. I take action. I am quickly learning that things do not change, in anything, without action. I am responsible for our life. The captain of our metaphorical ship! And even though I may fear steering us into an ice burg, I will try my hardest to learn the right paths through life, and take the necessary actions to stay on those paths.

Alright. Enough philosophical babble for me. I hope to return to smutty posts soon, but the First Trimester is like a deathblow to her health and sex drive. And while I still take what I need, I find that training her sexually would not only be cruel in that state, but unenjoyable for me. Have you ever fucked a half-asleep, gassy, angsty/sad/fearful pregnant woman in the heat of Summer? I am holding out for this fabled "Second Trimester" which is from what I hear, the Land of Milk and Honey. No puns intended!

Transitions

Life has a way of keeping me on my toes, it seems. After a careful few days of planing for what I thought was going to be a fun (and kinky sex) filled weekend, I found myself face to face with reality. Bug had gotten a cold this weekend, and was unusually tired and sick from the pregnancy. The empty house I thought we were going to share was dreadfully occupied by my brother for most of the time, a fact alone that brought any hopes of "training" to a crashing halt. I am finding it really difficult to enforce my control when surrounded by family who have no idea we have this type of relationship, and furthermore who would condemn it if they did. One of the many downsides of living with the parents still. We only have 2 months until the wedding and subsequent move, however, so that won't be for long.

That being said, I do also know that I have to make the best of the situation. Was the weekend perfect? No. Was it fun? Mostly. Did I spend quality time with my sub and care for her lovingly in her time of need, as a Dom should? Yes. I have learned this lesson many times in life, and I feel like if I were but 2 years younger, this weekend would have bothered me. But since engaging in the D/s relationship with Bug I find myself looking at things from a diferent perspective. Life is going to screw up my plans. It always has, it always will. I just accept that now.

I am a huge fan of Lord of the Rings, and in the Fellowship Gandalf makes an excellent point in this quote: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." I really thought about the events this weekend, and I realize that I may be able to control her in what ways I can but I cannot control everything else. All I can do is deal with what life gives me. To me, this flexability and understanding is just as key to being dominant as a firm hand and unyeilding resolve. At any rate, things -are- looking up around here. Just have to buckle down and keep moving!

Busy weekend!

Sorry for the lack of activity! The weekend was buys, and not in a good way. I'll post a nice long post tomorrow.

The trouble with love

I have been doing a lot of research on different domination tactics and thought processes. And in all of them a consistency is required when enforcing your rules on your sub. Am I the only one who finds this a bit difficult? Now, before you grab the torch and pitch-fork and call me weak hear me out! I am in love with this girl. She was my whole world before we ever picked up a rope and butt-plug. However, now I must be firm with her, tell her no, even hit her should it be required! Sometimes my rules make her unhappy, or uncomfortable. And sometimes the metaphorical angel on my shoulder (who is far more compassionate than I!) makes me feel bad for enforcing it. I look into those big green eyes and fall victim to the pouty face. However, I cannot be too lenient with her either, out of risk of being too soft and not in control enough. I know I must be harder on her, if she is to -truely- change, but I find it difficult at times. I know this will change over time, but at this stage in my own growth and training that is probably the biggest struggle I have: Being too compassionate vs. not being compassionate enough. I am working on adopting the mindset of disciplining her because I love her, and washing away societies brainwash that states we have to be equal, and that I have no right to discipline her.

I'd love to hear some feedback from other Dom's and any of my few lurkers out there!

Training: B+

My package came in the mail today! It took them until nearly 5 in the afternoon, but that's another matter... Anyway! I received an anal training kit (3 plugs, Small, medium, and LARGE) and a dildo to use on my Sub. I tested them out on her last night. I must say, they are alot of fun. I am working on training her to be able to take my cock in any of her entrances whenever I please. Seeing as though it is currently too thick for her ass, I must train it. She is doing alot better with not flinching and whimpering, but she still finds it to feel "weird." I am thinking that after she adjusts it will become easier for her to enjoy it.

We had tried anal back when we were still pretty vanilla, and she loved it for about a week. Then one day it made a bit of a mess and kinda traumatized her. So every time now I insist on being clean and methodical with it.

Oh! She earned her very first achievement! She sucked my cock while her ass and pussy were filled! I was so proud LMAO! All in all I give her a B+ for last night. Ok, thats a smutty enough of a blog for today! Maybe tomorrow I'll discuss Dom philosophy or something worthwhile!

Her training is coming along well!

A short post for today! But I wanted to share how well Bug has been doing with her training. After a little coaching she can give an amazing, and diverse blowjob, and enthusiastically too! Her anal training has progressed nicely. She can now take all 10 of her anal beads without flinching, and has finally given up worrying about "what if it gets dirty....?" We are expecting a package in the mail today with the rest of her training supplies -evil grin- I am going to have some fun with those! An Anal Training kit! 3 plugs and a dildo to get her used to it. Soon I will be taking her ass as freely as I do her pussy :D

Also, I think paying her bills yesterday helped reaffirm my commitment to this lifestyle. She seemed less stressed and happier: my number 1 goal!

Week of July 4th!

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Intro

Hello everyone (or anyone)! As you can probably tell from the other parts of this blog I am a Dom living with his wife and full time submissive in a BDSM lifestyle. We have only recently started training ourselves in this new lifestyle but we are already seeing the awesome, and difficult benefits of it! In an effort to train my Sub I had her begin a daily journal of her experiences and such. So I got to thinking…why shouldn’t I do the same? I did say that I wouldn’t ask anything of her that I wouldn’t do myself, right? So one night I sat down and recapped my feelings about the past week. It was an eventful week (when aren’t they, though) so I had A LOT to write about. But you’ll see that later! Anyway I allowed her to read it (this time ;) ) and she was impressed. She said I would make a good blogger on the subject. Whether or not THAT is true isn’t up to me, though. I use the blog as an outlet for my feelings, thoughts, plans, and methods. It is really hard to manage all of my thoughts if it isn’t physically in front of me! I am hoping that maybe someone will learn from my experiences, as I have learned from others. I am not so arrogant as to say I have all the answers, or even MOST of the answers. I am still learning. I hope to ALWAYS be learning. I like feedback from Doms and Subs alike! Even if you are just looking into things for the first time, I understand!